dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
