My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
