What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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