the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
