i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
