either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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