i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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