he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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