where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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