Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
