I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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