I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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