phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
