My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
