I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
