i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
