I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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