Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
