Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
