You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
