Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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