yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
