you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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