How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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