Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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