He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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