She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize