So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
