So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
