totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
