where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
