...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
