ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
