I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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