If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
