i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize