It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
