So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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