he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
