He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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