i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You are a genius and a whore.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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