I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
