1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
