My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
