I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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