Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
