my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
