I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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