I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
