I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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