so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
