i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
