Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
