You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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