dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i drank out of a bidet.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
