I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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