and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
