Just fell off a train. Bad.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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