Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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